[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.