I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Yup!
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.