[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)