[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You Might Also Like
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I wanna be friends with this person
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales