@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

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@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@ipalatsky

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

@KaysNH

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

@dongfuture

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.