DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.