[Baby trying to say first words]
Me: cmon son
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.