Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.