*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?