*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I thought this was funny lol
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”