[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.