@RocketRankoon

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

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@OleThickHawk

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@JediGigi

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

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