*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?