@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@_Water_Baby

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@AbbeYaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@BarkyBoogz

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@MomofTeen

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.