Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
COP: *starts barking*
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Lower your expectations.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.