[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
When the stylist spins you back around
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?