@squirrel74wkgn

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

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@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@SamDelanche

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

@FU_TangClan

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

@fuzzlime

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

@meghaffer

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

@SamSkoronski

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

@FunnyTunes

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”