*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m about to risk it all
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!