[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*picks up rotary phone*
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“I’m turning over a new leaf”
-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack
Snacks are ALWAYS the answer
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.