[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Blew out my flip flop…
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
At least my masseuse has my back.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.