@MrSpoonicorn

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@astutenewf

*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?

@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

@PajamaStew

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

@SamDelanche

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

@FormerChild

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up