picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: