Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Care for your back
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Why would I want to fund a crowd?