picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude


My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been “whoa there chap”


Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.


Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.


My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.


DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great


A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]