picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
The dark side of Canada
😬
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”