@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

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@Rozb7aleeb

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@andreeahluscu

I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been “whoa there chap”

@justatornado

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

@jaggedape

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

@Holy_Mowgli

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]