Picture me eating dinner.
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

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My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).


Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.


Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*


*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok


Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph


Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound


A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.


If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.