Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
i hate you platonically
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.