@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

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@sushimonsterc

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

@Douchekevin

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account

@BadaBinge

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@briangaar

At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner