Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.


Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.


My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.


Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.


“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry


“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants


When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available


*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”


37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.