Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.


The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account


Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies


If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.


At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers


One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


*stands up and screams*

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*


[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner