@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

You Might Also Like

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@Cryptic1iam

Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

@Social_Mime

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

@TheBoydP

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

@ChristianPlante

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.