Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.