THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Hmm, not sure about this change
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.