Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER


I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.

Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.


Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.


Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.


If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this


Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.