He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.