@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

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@WeissBrandon

Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Mom: y?
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u

@katy_fit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

@LostFelicia

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

@HenpeckedHal

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

@RegularFred

Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@Darlainky

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.