Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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*shrugs*
*swipes right*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
❤️❤️❤️
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Not today. 😅
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of