Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Good morning, Twitter x
That earthquake could have been an email.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real