pictures of spider-man
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
#Thanos #MondayMood
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?