@nickeldoodle

pictures of spider-man

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@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@HoldinCoffeeld

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

@SlackArab

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

@prufrockluvsong

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

@Lisabug74

Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.