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If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.


If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger


Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.


If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.


Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.


1st rule of snitch club is d-
Ok w-
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*


ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.


Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.