If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
“HELP WITH CAT”