Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.