Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

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Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …


OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.


Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for


[awful tragedy happens]

me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online


Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.


You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.


It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning


“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.


Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is