@kimlockhartga

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

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@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

@pilau

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

@InternetHippo

[awful tragedy happens]

me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online

@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@EmmaUtters

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

@lecalabara

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@MelvinofYork

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is