Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
decorating my apartment
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way