@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

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@Burtslorp

*Jesus looks over bill from last supper*
“It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver.”
“I got this!” Judas yells, almost too quickly.

@2tickytacky

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@NewDadNotes

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@Mostly_Cheese

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

@nthall350

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@ObscureGent

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

@SketchesbyBoze

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine