*Jesus looks over bill from last supper*
“It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver.”
“I got this!” Judas yells, almost too quickly.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy