“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You Might Also Like
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.
Hitman: Hey what’s up
Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.