PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You Might Also Like
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
spot the difference
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?