@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

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@murrman5

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

@AndrewChamings

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

@theshantilly

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

@JohnLyonTweets

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

@AnnieRUOakley

You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.