Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”