Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Two types of dogs.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg