@climaxximus

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

You Might Also Like

@bvb1123

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@Megatronic13

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

@envydatropic

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

@3sunzzz

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.