My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.