Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
inside you are two wolves
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Livid.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
real
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
when mom throws a party…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!