Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.