Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Kid: Everything poops?
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?
I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say “I do” your right hand is gonna be awful busy.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.