Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

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Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good


Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals


Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?



M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?


I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”


Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.


Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy


“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?


I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say “I do” your right hand is gonna be awful busy.


Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:


Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.