Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.