*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now


CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing





FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin


My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.


[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.


We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.