*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?