Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
She puts the hot in psychotic
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.