Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins