Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Me too, bag. Me too….

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please