im surprised we havent got nuked yet
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS
You Might Also Like
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!
– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car
Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*walks seductively up to table*
Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.