Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.


My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.


Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.



– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car


Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.


Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*


I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them


*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.