Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Hey I worked for it too!
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?