Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A ghost story
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Tell the colonel to bring it
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
they split up moments later
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.