PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting