@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

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@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@blitz2six

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

@MommaUnfiltered

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@BackrowSeats

Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.