@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

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@fro_vo

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

@theshamingofjay

2065

*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

@jakob_huber

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@chuuew

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

@heyevergreen

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears