Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Every house has this drawer
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem