Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
he’s doing your taxes
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.