pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.