Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]