@gorrdano

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”

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@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.