A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”
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I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Very slight chuckle*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.