PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Do one person every day that scares you.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“HELP WITH CAT”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying