You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
You Might Also Like
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot