@rockymomax

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

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@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@Jacob_Swift16

I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.

@meganamram

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

@ThugRaccoons

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here