@rockymomax

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

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@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

@DiamondLou69

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@abraveturtle

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@SortaBad

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@copymama

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

@_ElvishPresley_

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot