PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Self-cleaning conscience
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.