The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary
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me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP
MIDWIFE: The baby’s
WIFE: NO, THE NOISE
ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
Him: Wow you’re eating again?
Me: Wow you’re celibate again?